Jar Jar Binks Was A Petty Criminal Who Did Arduous Time
Had Jar Jar Binks not been busy stepping in poop and electrifying his tongue, he may have launched right into a dramatic monologue in regards to the abject awfulness of his early years. We’ve talked earlier than about his father George Binks who (in a single comedian guide, no less than) tried to take his personal life reasonably than spend one other second together with his painfully annoying son. And issues didn’t go nice for Jar Jar after that, both …
In line with the Star Wars: The New Important Information to Characters – which we’re assuming you all personal a replica of as a result of it’s important – Jar Jar’s adolescence was much less like a Star Wars film and extra like a slapstick, sci-fi model of Goodfellas. As a result of he’s so clumsy, younger Jar Jar was apparently unemployable; his solely recourse following a collection of firings and an unsuccessful busking gig was to flip to a lifetime of crime. Jar Jar was recruited by “native lawbreaker Roos Tarpals” and went to work “distracting safety patrols whereas Tarpals and his crew pulled off scams.”
Jar Jar’s prison profession didn’t finish as a result of he noticed the error of his methods, however reasonably as a result of Tarpals joined the Gungan military. Jar Jar later bought a job at a zoo, solely as a consequence of ruler Boss Nass’ “respect for Jar Jar’s mother and father.” Sadly, Jar Jar by accident let “half the animals escape” and was sentenced to “six months laborious labor” at a penal colony. And this was earlier than he was banished from Gungan society. It’s no surprise he ultimately turned to evil.
Get the Cracked Film Membership E-newsletter
For film and TV geeks, the Cracked Film Membership is stuffed with nerdom, trivia and suggestions. Subscribe now!
Pac-Man Survived A Genocide, Apparently
Again within the days when a mind-blowing online game may include merely guiding a sentient pie chart by a maze full of colourful blobs, Pac-Man reigned supreme. Moderately than let an concept that one way or the other made full sense within the Nineteen Eighties die, Pac-Man was revived for an animated collection in 2013: Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures.
Produced by former Marvel Studios head Avi Arad, the collection was, regardless of the simplicity of the unique recreation, surprisingly sophisticated. On this planet of the present, Pac-Man is a highschool pupil and the final of the yellow “Pac-people” on his planet. Why? Properly, as we instantly study there have been a number of devastating “Ghost Wars” on this universe
And we study that Pac-Man is the one yellow one left as a result of the others had been all murdered. That’s proper, Pac-Man is the lone survivor of a genocide. Fairly heavy stuff for a franchise completely predicated on the pursuit of cherry consumption.
Gritty Was Discovered At A Development Website, Presumably Fleeing His “Bully” Father
Everyone knows Gritty, the furry orange mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers who principally appears to be like like a recently-divorced Muppet who simply bought again from Burning Man. Gritty is in fact liable for firing up hockey followers throughout video games by skating, dancing, and, um, posing for nude portraits?
In what has solely created far extra Gritty-related questions, the Nationwide Hockey League launched an official biography for the character. For starters, it claims that his father was a “bully” which may clarify why Gritty has “a few of these tendencies.” It may additionally clarify why Gritty was principally a drifter – in response to the story, he was present in a “secret hideout” which was “distrubed” by the development of the Wells Fargo Middle, “forcing him to indicate his face publicly for the primary time.”
In different phrases, Gritty is a cryptozoological marvel who was secretly dwelling on the road, presumably fleeing from his sadistic father, till his dwelling was bulldozed by the NHL – at which level he was co-opted into serving to promote the pro-sports workforce that simply forcibly displaced him. Hopefully some little one will at some point take issues into their very own palms and attempt to assist Gritty escape Free Willy-style.
Wario Was A Sufferer Of Tremendous Mario’s Bullying
We don’t know an excessive amount of about Wario, past the truth that he’s Mario’s arch-enemy who bizarrely appears to be like the hipster model of his bitter rival. However in a 1992 challenge of Nintendo Energy journal, we bought a brief comedian that illuminated a lot in regards to the Mario-Wario relationship and it seems that Mario is form of a dick. In line with the story, the pair had been pals after they had been youngsters – however Wario remains to be resentful of the truth that Mario’s antics typically led to him getting bodily damage and/or ridiculed.
Nintendo Energy
Wario actually thinks of Mario as a “bully” whereas Mario is unaware of this antipathy. When Mario lastly learns of Wario’s emotions, his response signifies that he hasn’t discovered a goddamn factor.
Nintendo Energy
Which is all very troubling, however nonetheless not the worst factor to occur to Wario in current reminiscence.
Odie The Canine Was Deserted By His Proprietor (Main Followers To Suspect Homicide)
Even if he can’t eloquently complain about days of the week or obsess over Italian meals, Garfield’s canine pal Odie is a fixture of the long-running comedian collection. Initially although, Odie belonged, to not Jon Arbuckle, however to a personality named Lyman, Jon’s mustachioed buddy and roommate. When Lyman was written out of the strip, Odie simply form of caught round.
Famously, Lyman’s disappearance, mixed with Odie’s continued presence, prompted numerous darkish fan theories principally involving Jon having murdered Lyman. Official Garfield merchandise even hinted at a grim destiny for poor Lyman, resembling the web recreation Garfield’s Scary Scavenger Hunt, during which Lyman is discovered chained up in a basement – and within the sequel, Garfield finds Lyman’s decapitated head within the oven! Whether or not or not Jon is the perpetrator isn’t addressed.
Presumably to pivot away from the entire “Jon Arbuckle dedicated murder” angle, in 2012 the animated collection The Garfield Present endeavoured to clear-up the thriller surrounding Lyman as soon as and for all, revealing that Lyman had left Odie with Jon and so as journey to a distant jungle and snap a photograph of a Bigfoot-like creature, however by no means returned.
Which is … additionally fairly upsetting? Fortunately on this story, Lyman seems to be alive, and never a headless physique in a dingy basement.
You (sure, you) ought to observe JM on Twitter!
Thumbnail: Lucasfilm/NHL
