Won’t somebody please think of the pokies?


It’s like clockwork. A authorities desires to limit entry to pokies and the opposition isn’t far behind. As soon as once more, everyone is making an attempt to destroy probably the most harmless joys on earth. However there’s a vital voice being ignored on this debate: us, the pokies.

I’m a poker machine and I’m sick of my destiny being debated by individuals in fits who do not know the necessary place we’ve in our communities: to present punters one thing to spend huge portions of cash on as they get pleasure from their god-given proper to a watery schooner and a parma so suspiciously discounted that even the hen it’s constituted of is aware of there’s a con occurring someplace.

Simply because these communities occur to be in varied states of gentle to vicious poverty for causes no one can determine, I suppose you suppose that’s a cause to pull the pokies out of the RSL, pile them up in entrance of the large vintage cannon and set it off? Newsflash: these cannons don’t work any extra, so why don’t you are available for one or two thousand spins?

We’re right here for enjoyable! Have a look at my massive chunky buttons, hear my elegant and addiction-inducing revel! Don’t know what all the pieces means on the display? No person does, and that’s form of the purpose! Maintain hitting that spin! Theoretically you may even win cash from me, and by the point you realise how extremely damaging I’m, you’ll be having an excessive amount of enjoyable to care! Wheeee!

Do I’ve to remind you that pokies are video games? In the meantime, your leaders would by no means consider limiting entry to one thing like Scrabble, which no one likes and is well-known to be rigged in favour of people that know phrases. And when has a sport ever been dangerous, aside from possibly garden darts or that one the place youngsters king-hit strangers on the road? The place’s laws to ban these? Don’t reply that.

When an anti-pokies crusader tries to pressure their agenda down your throat, what they really need is to deprive individuals of probably the most fundamental delights: mild and music. What’s subsequent? Gouging out your eyes with an enormous authorities ice cream scoop? Filling your ear holes with nasty tough concrete subsequent? Sure!

And also you’re telling me they wish to do that each one as a result of I’m fine-tuned to entrap and destroy the livelihoods of big numbers of society’s most weak members at a frequency and scale tough to fathom? Actually, the type of factor that’d make any benevolent God pull the plug on the entire earth lab experiment — if the continued existence of my sort didn’t counsel pretty compellingly that such a God should certainly be lengthy lifeless, if he ever even existed in any respect?

Effectively, it appears like somebody simply doesn’t like having enjoyable.

Look, I’ll admit we are able to do higher. Certain, our seats are generally wonky and you may solely smoke whereas taking part in a small proportion of us (we’ll get that quantity up, fingers crossed). And, sure, we might or might not contribute to a couple thousand households being drained of their life financial savings, due to unethical mechanics in a predatory surroundings conspicuously designed to rid you of your money by exploiting the outlet left by the long-felt disintegration of group.

However we’re a lot greater than that: we even have these bizarre and sometimes problematically themed video games! Why not spend an hour panning for gold within the Wild West, swivel in your chair to go to “the Orient” (critically) earlier than hopping over to the gilded avenues of, uh… historical Mesopotamia? Certain, why not. Be careful everyone, Gilgamesh right here is on a scorching streak, no time for the meat raffle!

That is what they wish to take from you. An opportunity for fortune and escape, an opportunity for a punter — most likely sunburnt and ready as much as 4 hours to play (due to government-mandated closing hours, I’ll remind you) — to benefit from the historical Levant.

Now for those who’ll excuse me, I’ve some pensioners to make destitute for the good thing about Woolworths shareholders. Ding ding ding ding ding! 

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